Blitzcrank: The steam-powered **** machine

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Robo-Disco: The deadliest dance.

I: Introduction

Hi, I'm Condon, you may remember me from such posts as "The MFing Cho'Gath" and "Winbeard the pirate." For a limited time only, I have a very special offer in the mix for you! If you have yourself a pair of big brass balls (and trust me, you will need them), you to can be the proud pilot of Blitzcrank: The robo-f*ckhouse! Follow this simple guide and you will be putting your jagged robo-fist in places normally reserved for spouses and vicars.
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II: The Pre-Game

Blitzcrank is a very special hero in that hes always a good addition to a team, because he can fill a few different roles. For that reason, I recommend doing a mixed page of crit (red runes, derp) and regen or cooldown reduction, with masteries preferably set in the utility or defensive tree, focusing on cooldown reduction and mobility.

Summoner spells to love:
Teleport: Much like Sam Adams, it's always a good decision.
Exhaust: Grab, Fist, Exhaust, Win.
Cleanse: You'll be next to angry, angry enemies quite often. 
Flash: Same reason, though it's not incredibly useful for clutch fisting.

Summoner Spells to avoid:
Clarity: A meki should do you just fine
Ghost: If overdrive isn't enough, it's not worth it.

Many spells are good situationally on blitz, but that's the key. Situational. Choose your spells depending on your team build.

III: Upgrades

"That's confusing. What are you trying to make me think or something?" Dust off the ol' cortex and tune in there Timmy, this is where **** gets real.

-Always start with a meki pendant and two healing potions. You'll be able to use your fist to last hit, and get a few good grabs off early on without too much trouble.

-First trip back, try to get your basic boots and your sheen. At this point you should have enough stomp factor to take the dudes in your lane by surprise.

-After a few robo-f*ck parties, you want to do one of two things (Hint, this is where it gets complex, so pay attention): If you're having trouble finishing the slippery *******s, or you dont have many slows/disables on your team, get a phage. If you're perfectly alright keeping the little *******s still, and you just need to throw some more f*ckhouse their way, go with a BF sword. If you're getting mowed down like virginity in freshman year, go buy yourself a catalyst (if you want a banshees later, because they have stuns and holds coming out the gills) or a giants belt, leading into a soul shroud (because eveyone loves more fists, and mana regen is fine too) if everything turns into team fights.

-There are three basic scenarios, briefly outlined above. 

Scenario 1: You are the pain train, mushroom slapping, deisel powered f*ckhouse Blitzcrank, and your soul purpose is to fist everything in your path until they need to call in for a rape kit. You go right for an infinity edge after your sheen, then finish your triforce and build a black cleaver or two. If you go this way, you will fold people in half, and spend most of your game running around in the bushes giggling to yourself and making robot noises while you fist people. This is probably the least used path, but one of the most dangerous as no one is really prepared for a blitz operating on his own. Slip boots of mobility in whenever you feel comfortable, preferably before the triforce.

Scenario 2: You are the designated fat kid. Your job is to pull people into fights early, and not die, so you can use your knockup multiple times, and keep those grabs rolling. You either finish the phage, or go straight for the soul shroud, then do the other. Go for a guardian angel, or a banshees, depending on the enemy disposition. Avoid Leviathan, as you'll probably be dying often enough that it's not useful. Finish off your triforce, get the one you missed of angel and banshees, and then tack on whatever you're missing really. Frozen mallet, warmogs, and phantom dancer are all relatively good choices, although if you're playing tanky blitz you probably won't get that far. Usually you end up with mercury treads here, somewhere between soul shroud and finishing the triforce.

Scenario 3: You are a disco-dancing win-bot, who gets to skulk around the sidelines doing what they want. You have a proper carry, and a proper tank, and all the team needs from you is a grab, a few fists, and for you not to die. What you want to focus on here is movespeed and utility. You want to finish your triforce early, and get boots of swiftness. Then, I like to pick up a brutalizer, and get my sunfire on. Between your speed, overdrive, grab, and the knockup, you should be able to stay in the middle of the ****, or bring the **** to you long enoug that the capes are worth it. You'll also become an excellent pusher with this build. Too fat to try and dive after, too hurty to want to take 1v1, and too threatening to ignore in a team fight. The whole deal. This is 80% of your games as blitz, if you've got a good team. This is also the most fun to play, because rather than spending your time sneaking, or baiting, you can focus entirely on making good trick shots and generally ensuring the enemy team is having a bad day.

IV: Skills

"But Condon! I always do (x) and get tons of kills! And like, punch people in the face and such!" But Timmy! This is my guide and I'm prettier than you. The major argument here is that overdrive is useful early game. I contest that no, it's not. It's stupid. It's a percentile based skill, which should be your first clue. It makes you susceptable to ganks, and it gives you a false sense of uberman syndrome. Which gets you killed. Early on, you bring the enemy to you, you don't move your fat robot *** out of safety for anything.

Grab
Fist
Grab
Fist
Grab
Sky lazers
Overdrive
Grab
Grab
Fist > Ult > Overdrive in that order, in terms of maxing out.

"But Condon! I want to use moar fists! MORE FISTS! The robot fisting machine is only good when hes fisting, right!?!?!" Get back on the pills. No, the red ones. Look, the only thing you get from more levels of fist, is less cooldown. You will never have a fist cooldown as short as your grab, and early game, you really just need fist for last hits and to grab people who misunderestimate your skill shot. 

Now here comes the important part. The thing I see ****ed up the most, and what I hope all of you will be able to resist. Spamming skills.

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"But Condon, lol, I do more dmg if I spam! Is like FPS, dakka dakka dakka" Good job ******bean, terrorists win. Spam != skill. 

There are two major rotations you want to follow when trying to grind someone into the dirt with your robo-heel. 

A) Overdrive in, auto attack once, pop fist, punch them so hard their hard drive vibrates, grab them *if they're running, if not wait for another fist* auto attack, ult (if needed) auto attack, fist. If they still aren't dead, keep fisting till they are, or run because they're only sticking around so the carry can come push your teeth in. 

B) Grab from the bushes/just out of reach. Auto attack, big Fist, overdrive, auto attack, fist, ult, auto attack, fist.

Note the auto attack weaving. Because of sheen/triforce, you put out rediculous damage in this rotation. Every time you use a skill before using your sheen charge, you're throwing away between 150-500 damage, depending on build. You don't want that.

At all points it's important to remember that your job is more or less player herding. If you see one getting away, grab them and pull them back. If one is going to do something sneaky, knock them in the air. You don't have to be trying to finish them, that is your teams job. You just have to line them up. It may be tempting to just throw a big ol' fist into the mage to get the last hit, but it's more use to get an Ace than a plain old kill.

Your grab is one of the meanest, tricksiest, pants-****tingest skills in the game. No one likes being hooked. Treat players like big ol' Marlin. You have to have patience, skill, and most importantly a strong line to hook the *******s.

Situations in which it's a bad idea to try and grab:
If you don't think you can stomp them, or, if you think it might be a toss up. The last thing you want is the enemy team thinking they can survive when you hook them. You want them to run away screaming so you can punch them in the spine.
If you're going to hit a creep. This is fairly obvious, but you really have to take the time to get a feel for the hit radius. It's about 1.5 times the size of your actual fist, and it reaches about a half span of the fist beyond your casting circle. Practice practice practice! Do a bot game if you need to. The closer you can make the grabs, the more rage you can inspire in all chat. "BULL****! U CANT HIT ME FRUM THERE! CREEP IN WAY! TOO FAR! HAX HAX HAX" etc etc. Good times. I find it especially ******-y to grab them in between waves of creep, on in the gab between melee and mage minions. It's tough, but it's really something you have to learn through use.
If your team is still jockying for position. A premature grab can cost you a good slaughter. Don't jump the gun. If you miss, game over, they bolt. If you hit, and your backup still isn't ready, they may decide to give you a face full of robo-pain. 
If you know you can catch them flat footed. Don't waste the grab as an opener when you can save it to catch the enemy running.

Remember: You can't hit every fist, but if you're missing more than half there's a problem. Try to go for easier shots, and do a few practice games.
Also: If you click on the actual hero to try and fist them, it has a habit of bugging out and shooting in a completely different direction. It's a skill shot. Use it directionally, with skill.

PS: Weave your god **** auto attacks, or I'll cut you.

V: setvar "win"

Early on, find yourself a partner with a nuke, a stun, or basically anyone who isn't completely useless (cough Udyr) and set yourself up in a lane. All you need to do, is grab the softest target when they aren't looking, and you can usually get a first blood without breaking a sweat. 

Focus on last hitting, and play relatively conservative. You want to have creep and your lane mate nearby if you manage to get a good grab off, it does no good if you're on their back line.

You need to be pretty tight with your grabs as well, because you'll not have the mana to be spamming it every time it's up. Make them count. 

By the time you get your ult, and have a kill or two racked up, you should be able to go support whichever lane is having trouble. If you're doing it right, you should be able to mow down most pairings, unless that lane is in some serious trouble. Be vary wary of counter ganks, as you're still kind of twiggy early game.

As you get the ball rolling, and some piston related orifice violation off on the other team, you should notice yourself running around at pretty low health most of the time. **** sucks. You'll usually take a hit or three when you try to jump someone, and going back to base every single time you do a gank isn't very efficient at all.

Whatever is a fledgling auto-win-machine suppose to do?

You suck it up and you abuse the **** out of it. What is the one thing all people have in common? Deep seeded, unquenchable greed. You pop your head out of the bushes with 1/3rd life and I guarantee you will have all the face time you need to end their life. You will be pumping out so much burst between overdrive and your sheen that you'll tear most early-mid game heroes a new hole before they can mash their nuke. If you die, big deal. You still have three lanes pushing and that player is most likely being turned into something resembling that weird stew from the cafeteria in high school no one ate. You know the one, with the green bits that the one guy thought were peas but they totally weren't.

Either way, a net gain for you. I can not stress enough how hard you have to switch from conservative backline grabbing to "All up ins" mode. To play a successful ****-machine you need cahones like Tony Montana. 

When you get a few kills, and a few deaths under your belt, and have successfully ****ed up the enemy teams day, focus on defending your towers and farming until you get your big stabbies. You want them to constantly underestimate your kill power, and live in fear of assaulting any of your towers because you may hook them into it. You may not be the most farmed, or have the best KD, but by god, you will have more assists than you can shake a powerfist at. 

VI: Varwin = 1

Team fight in a stand off? Grab em.

Guys lurking in the woods? Throw on fist and run in blindly. You may die, but you'll knock a few of their teeth out and start the fight in your teams favor.

******bags hiding behind their towers? Kill the tower. Oh, wait, yeah. Forgot to mention, what with all the double damage and sheen and either being fat or having high atk, you can chew towers like a slow brass Yi. No one ever suspects the blitz to backdoor. You're like the god **** batman, only if you run into someone on the way you can put a few holes in their face before you turn and burn.

If nothing else, end game you will have them more worried about hiding behind creep than getting anything done. You want them to live in fear of your big robo-fist. If you get focused down early, you should be going tanky anyway, you're doing your job if you can get one grab in.

If you go stabby, they had better have some god ****ed focus or you're going to hit them like a mac truck. With lightning. A lightning truck. A god **** lightning truck.

In summation: Start conservative, feeding your lane mate first blood and random kills if you can with pro grabs. Move onto roaming ganks, earning some duckets and tearing the enemies up. Finish as an anchor, either a major damage dealer/disabler, or as a tanky char. In either case, unless you're running with someone better suited, you're the initator, and never be afraid to go for grabs you're unsure of late game. A fail will just be a short cooldown, an epic grab could mean a win.

VII: Heroes that love you

Nunu: Nothing quite as satisfying as pulling an enemy back into his ult just as they're getting away. To a lesser degree, Katarina. 

Nasus: He sometimes has a problem closing, but never a problem slaughtering.

Alistar: Gross combo. Grab, knockup, knockup, toss. Same with Singed and Tristana, to a lesser degree.

Teemo: Pull onto a mushroom. Laugh.

Heroes that hate you:

Twitch: Slow rat is squishy. Deeeelicious.

Udry: Lol melee stun.

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Kassadin: Try to wait till after he blinks, because you can usually lock the squishy ******* down long enough after his 4 second cooldown is up to have him killed.

Fiddle/Nunu/Janna/Katarina: They have to stand still to ult. Lol.

Tryndamere: They usually get away by a **** hair, so getting yanked back into combat is just... painful.

Ashe: Shes so god ****ed squishy. Most Ashe players will panic and use their ult if they get stuck in CQC.

VIII: FAQ

Alright Condon, I know you're on top of your **** and all, but why have different builds in one guide? That seems scatterbrained and detracts from the overall impact.

A: Potato. Also, your mother. But really, if you follow a guide by the letter every game, eventually you're going to lose because you aren't flexible. One of the reasons I like Blitz is because he can fill a couple different niche roles.

Condon, have my babies!

A: That's not a question. Also, girls don't play games.

Condon, I think you should do a guide on X.

A: Also not a question, but let me know. I'm open for suggestions.

Why don't you just make a moderate build to cover all three situations?

A: Moderation is for AA members and Preachers. Im currently drinking a beer and eating a smoked ham like an apple.

Enjoy the robo-****house, and happy fisting kids. If you're interested, you can find more psychotic ball-clenching play style guides by yours truly here (blatant self plugging. keke)


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